we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
