You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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