I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my being single is dangerous.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
