ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
