Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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