Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
