My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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