fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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