Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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