So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
