I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
