do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
worst night to have a conscience
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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