I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
