my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
