god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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