He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
