Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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