Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
