yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
