Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
