I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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