my sisters under your porch take her home
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
