New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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