Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Randomize
