I think I won the penis lottery.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
