Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
