drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
