She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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