Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize