No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My bed smells like the plague
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
