I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize