To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
