So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
