ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
