your room smells of hookers.
And success
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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