Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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