Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
