I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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