Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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