Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
