hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
