anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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