does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
