I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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