I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
