I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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