My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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