I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
