fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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