You don't have asthma, your pregnant
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
