Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize