chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
