i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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