Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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