and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
