So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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