Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
