The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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